||[May. 1st, 2006|07:55 am]
|||||In Through The Out Door||]|
midnights are a time of quiet dullness, for most.
but for myself, i kind of enjoy them . watching people fall asleep on the job and laughing at them.
laughing at the mexicans for making fun of all the whitey's and understanding what they're saying when it's directed towards me is endless fun. i think they might be catching on that i can tell what they're saying. haha, what a fun time. all in all, the smell of burnt plastic and crazy people don't bother me all too much . nothing i'm not used to . crazy people and the smell of carbon monoxide burning into my nostrils and residing in my lungs from broadway or whatever weird coffee hangout i'm at. hmmm , money is money i suppose and if i'm gonna be up all night anyways , might as well be making some money instead of blowing it to hang out doing the same mindless things night after night with the same crowd bitching about the same things over and over agian never doing anything to fix them one bit. just fucking them up more and more until we call that life. fuck that. my life is simple these days, go to work, write mia or talk to her or see her, go to sleep, make some dank ass food every once in a few hours.. meh. have fun , be open minded , learn new things.. i love it. and i'm not gonna let myself fall under that "everyone else is doing this bullshit" category anymore. fuck that. you may say... but what does it really matter? being sober, you're just being so conformist and good. you're just going to be miserable with kids in a few years. blah blah blah. welll based on what i've seen. most of you are gonnna be miserable with kids in sooner than a few years, some already are, and it seems to me that the problems you have are making all of you more miserable than i could ever see myself being with mia . so fuck you and take your bullshit and shove it right up your ass. because you're just wasting your words and efforts on me.
but yah, i had an amazing weekend. i need to quit this midnight shit soon , as much as i've grown used to it, because i wanna be able to actually do stuff with the one person in my life that i could really give a fuck about right now. and there are MANY of you that i care about out there.. but how much do you really care about me? and how do you show it ? is it through an actual meaningful conversation? or is it some petty invite to go out and get drunk or stoned with all of you and not talk about anything but how smashed or fucked up so and so got on such and such night or whatever .. the stories are all the same. you all know the next word to everyone of them if you're like me and have heard it all. after a while folks, that "shock" factor just wears off , and you start to shrug your shoulders and wonder why you're hanging out with a bunch of people that are as bored and hopeless about things as yourself. and sometimes you might try and have normal fun. and, it never seems the same does it? i'd say that's a real shame.. because , face it, the real you , never had a drug or party or fuck to influence them. the real you is who you were before you got wrapped up in all the fucked up shit that you now call your life. that kid inside of everyone that hates being stifled. and yes, you're all snuffing your own child inside of you out each time you get fucked up . because you're becomming JUST LIKE THEM before you . don't you see that ? stand up for yourself, you'll never be able to do that when you're so down that you can't even keep your eyes open wide enough to look at the person 3 feet away from you.
let alone yourself.
i'm going to sleep. too much on the mind as usual . i'm not angry with any of you friends necessarily . mostly i'm angry at myself for letting everything go so far, after i'd been clean and i knew all this shit to begin with when i got back into doing drugs. what a dumb choice.. but it was my choice. and i have got so many beautiful lessons in life and a few awesome awesome friends from it. now we just need to make something of these lessons and make something of our lives. enough of the bullshit. enough wasting time. and enough holding ourselves back. fuck a WHOLE bunch of that. cuz everyone knows , that's how you really get stuck in valpo for the rest of your life.