|using the same methods for every situation expecting varied results = insanity
||[Apr. 27th, 2006|07:32 am]
|||||in my head.||]|
|||||tired, only 24 hours to go.||]|
|||||Tool - Rosetta Stoned||]|
you know what i think? i think you ppl should stop taking out your anger with me
on mia. come on now, i know it's not her that you want to cause more stress. why don't
you GROW A PAIR AND SPEAK THE FUCK UP?! because you know that's not the person i am . if any of you really knew me,
then you would know that i'm the biggest pacifist you've ever met. you'd know that , yes, i have a knife and an evil looking
demon on my arms , but you'd also be wise enough to understand that 2 + 2 always makes a 5 . meaning, for you dumbasses, that things aren't what they seem a lot of the time, that you only learn what ppl instill into you unless you question it, what you CHOSE to internalize, and what you chose to believe. i've hit one kid in my whole life , minus football, and that was adam zuliger for bossing around some 5th graders when we were in like 7th grade. and i felt HORRIBLE even after punching that kid in the face. come the FUCK on. you think i'm gonna be a drunk asshole and beat on mia our whole life? HELLLLLL FUCKING NO. you think , as a friend to both of us or maybe just one of us, that Mia is dumb enough to fall into that ? another HELLLLLL FUCKING NO. stop acting like we're so dumb everyone. we've both quit doing drugs, we're both moving on and growing up and past all that shit together, growing stronger together, and for the first time in years , actually finding out who we truly are.
let me explain something really quick to all of you out there. i got fucked up for years , YEARS, and all the while,
i knew that i was hurting MYSELF. and i grew to be alright with that [kinda sick huh? but hey , all of you have too]
but as SOON as I came to that point and i hurt mia. I knew the next morning that it was time to stop . waking up and
picking up the pieces of a 10 minute event that you don't even remember , hoping that no one seriously got hurt, walking around
the apartment cleaning up , crying, with my dog walking at my feet. it's like every horror story you read in books. and it will
forever be engraved into me. i know that , and i've grown to accept it. You guys think what? that i should suffer and die for
all eternity , i should kick myself in my ass for my whole life over this? no , wrong fucking answer assholes. i've learned/relearned so much about myself in the past two / 3 weeks that it's unbelievable. i've come to the realization that all that shit has been holding us both back from loving each other to the fullest
(1) , we were just blind and weak for a long time together
(2) , getting fucked up has held us both back from being who we really are . when i'm not fucked up all the time and i can think rational thoughts [ now that's something you guys only come across maybe once or twice a day , god forbid you remember them ] i am in control of who i am and what goes on around me. I know who i am and what i want in life.when fucked up it's exactly the opposite , i'm chosing to blind myself and thus i don't know what's going on around me or inside of me and as a result the way i act is dependent on who i surround myself with and whatevery drug i'm on. it's hard to distinguish between what''s really right and wrong , and damned near impossible to actually speak up for something I THINK you believe in , & why i believe it hell if i can remember, hahahahahahahaha (sarcastic laugh , that most ppl getting fucked up think is funny and cool). how poor . and that's how most friendships or conversations spark between people . what a lame grounds for a friendship, unless you really try to figure out what's really going on between the two of you and are actually taking action to solve the problems instead of continually making the same mistakes over and over again.
(3) , (almost) everything and everyone (minus a few that urged me to realize how LAME it all is)I involved myself with for the past 5 or so years has been fake or at least severely skewed
(4) , most people lose a lot of their friends as they grow older because everyone gets caniving and tries to mingle with each other's bullshit a LITTLE bit too much (to say the least) . the only friends you keep are the ones that are understanding of you and that you feel safe talking to about WHAT YOU FEEL . ppl that you don't feel the need to try and appease their opinions because you know they'll always be there. ppl that don't stifle you and are mature enough to figure out what's going on and the best way to go about doing it.
(5), people only get fucked up because there's something about themselves that they really don't like , are insecure about, or have some unmet needs that they're not adressing [acceptance avoidance and anxiety people, you all know this] , everyone knows deep down inside what they really need to do in order to be happy, so just fucking do it already and stop wasting your own time by lying to yourself and everyone else,it's all about choice people
i'll skip about 500 more to spare you the time and cut to the most important one..
i am willing to sacrifice all of you and everything i've known for the love that mia and i have for each other. that's something you guys can NOT take away no matter how much you bitch or moan . so you might as well try and help , or suggest things to help, instead of trying to tear our lives down; because, YES, we hear you loud and clearly and we both love our friends no matter how fucked up they may be , but , NO, you will not change the decision that we've made. so if you're really worried about losing your friend or whatever the fuck your insecurity may very well be with yourself or any of this situation then you would try and help , telling ppl that they're stupid for loving is like telling a baby not to cry . pointless. DUH , end of story. (final CRUCIAL point)
alright, you guys have got me riled up enough for one midnight shift, i'm gonna go to sleep now, and when i wake up there had better be some angry comments or something from you guys that think you can play this situation on one end of the spectrum . cuz you fucking can't . stop being so god damned ignorant . your opinions may be very valuable and i don't want to stop anyone from expressing their opinion, i know that a lot of you wanna kill me right now , you don't think i didn't wanna kill me ? so go ahead, unleash the worst that you've got. because i'm strong enough to take it. punk ass bitches.
ps , yes, a very unloading entry , but i do feel great this morning. it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day outside. i've really been enjoying finding out who my true friends are, and the challenges that have been presented to myself both in reality and in my head for the past month. i've been enjoying finding out more of who you really are, finding out more of who i really am, realizing the negative shit that i never wanted to before, learning from it, sharing it with you my love, and GROWING THE FUCK UP . I SUGGEST THE REST OF YOU DO TOO .
a few coincidental events from lately....... the new Tool album , is amazing . I love how Maynard finally comes out and boldly states
in most of the songs that he doesn't agree with all the bullshit and drama that has to do with getting fucked up . He lays it down about how fucked up everyone really gets and how blind everyone is when they're like that, "Foot in mouth and head up asshole What ya talkin' 'bout? Difficult to dance 'round this one 'til you pull it out, boy You must have been so high You must have been so high" I've been waiting for this album for 4 fucking years, and right when it comes out . I have to admit i cried my eyes out from start to finish the first time i heard 10,000 days. so all you people that think that tool is all about getting fucked up and whatnot, time to finally wake up and realize they're about , questioning all that is around you and using your mind to solve all the puzzles and complexities of the world. not about getting fucked up . although those two things are easy to confuse and very similar. they're completely at opposite ends of the spectrum called life.
another coincidental thing, i got a fortune cookie yesterday that read " you are making sincere yet major changes in your life right now . " holy effin jesus christ on a bicycle . fortune cookies are never really "on" with me, never have been . but that was like a punch in the face. i feel like the whole world around me can see the changes and the effort that i'm putting forth . and it's trying to tell me to keep on going , to keep being strong , and not give up because of what some people are saying.
"All righty then. Picture this if you will.
Grabbed at 2am and actually eating a, you know a box of crispy cremes,
I might need as I approach area 51 contemplating the hoax
Of people thinking we just took a flaming
Well one opened up we'd expect to see in A place like this
Code red I'll put us in a diamond setting
Right on my Birkenstocks in the open
HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Holy fucking shit
Holy fucking shit
Hly fucking shit
Holy fucking shit...fucking shit...fucking shit
Let the X-file be entered
As some kind of blue creature
I hate it when it stows a meteor in my bathroom
If you look at your appearance for a moment you can see
Another banana bourbon enema
Someone hovered above my buckeyes
My daily chore
Maybe I'll run over the upper lid but all I could think was
Careful to mark your girlfriends 17 fucking cats
The sewer line is waiting
Like an apparition he had me crying out
A dead head chemistry
Bladder problems wont stifle me
If I can't make it
People who are watching see
and after calming me down with some orange slices and some needle spooning
He revealed to me a
singular purpose, he said you are the chosen one.
The one who will deliver the message.
A message of hope for those who choose to hear it
and a warning for those who do not
me, the chosen one,
they chose me,
and I didn't graduate from fucking high school
you beter listen
He looked right through me
with somniferous almond eyes
don't even know what that means
must remember to write it down,
this is so real,
like the time he floated away
see my heart is pounding
cause this shit never happens to me
can't breathe, right now, it was so real
Like I woke up in Wonderland
also a bit terifying
I don't want to be alone when I tell this story
and can anyone tell me why? all the sudden my peanuts dance?
will I ever be coming down?
this is so real, finally it's my lucky day
see my heart is racing
cause this shit never happens to me
can't breathe right now
you believe me don't you, please believe what I just said
see they're telling true
and this wasn't all in my head
see they took me by the hand and invited me right in
then they showed me something
I don't even know where to begin
Strapped down to my bed, feet cold and eyes red, I'm out of my head, am I alive am I dead, can't remember what they said god damn shit the bed
High eye (repeated)
Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position
such a heavy burden now to be the one
born to bear and read to all
the details of our ending
to write it down for all the world to see
But I forgot my pen, shit the bed again typical
strapped down to my bed, feet cold and eyes red I'm out of my head am I alive am I dead,
sunkist and sudafed, gyroscopes, and infra red, won't help, brain dead, can't remember what they said
god damn shit the bed
IIIIIII can't remember what they said to me
Can't remember what they said to me
made out to be
Can't remember what they said
oh no, help now
God damn shit the bed"