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Fred B.

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(no subject) [May. 1st, 2006|07:55 am]
Fred B.
[mood |thankfulthankful]
[music |In Through The Out Door]

midnights are a time of quiet dullness, for most.
but for myself, i kind of enjoy them . watching people fall asleep on the job and laughing at them.
laughing at the mexicans for making fun of all the whitey's and understanding what they're saying when it's directed towards me is endless fun. i think they might be catching on that i can tell what they're saying. haha, what a fun time. all in all, the smell of burnt plastic and crazy people don't bother me all too much . nothing i'm not used to . crazy people and the smell of carbon monoxide burning into my nostrils and residing in my lungs from broadway or whatever weird coffee hangout i'm at. hmmm , money is money i suppose and if i'm gonna be up all night anyways , might as well be making some money instead of blowing it to hang out doing the same mindless things night after night with the same crowd bitching about the same things over and over agian never doing anything to fix them one bit. just fucking them up more and more until we call that life. fuck that. my life is simple these days, go to work, write mia or talk to her or see her, go to sleep, make some dank ass food every once in a few hours.. meh. have fun , be open minded , learn new things.. i love it. and i'm not gonna let myself fall under that "everyone else is doing this bullshit" category anymore. fuck that. you may say... but what does it really matter? being sober, you're just being so conformist and good. you're just going to be miserable with kids in a few years. blah blah blah. welll based on what i've seen. most of you are gonnna be miserable with kids in sooner than a few years, some already are, and it seems to me that the problems you have are making all of you more miserable than i could ever see myself being with mia . so fuck you and take your bullshit and shove it right up your ass. because you're just wasting your words and efforts on me.

but yah, i had an amazing weekend. i need to quit this midnight shit soon , as much as i've grown used to it, because i wanna be able to actually do stuff with the one person in my life that i could really give a fuck about right now. and there are MANY of you that i care about out there.. but how much do you really care about me? and how do you show it ? is it through an actual meaningful conversation? or is it some petty invite to go out and get drunk or stoned with all of you and not talk about anything but how smashed or fucked up so and so got on such and such night or whatever .. the stories are all the same. you all know the next word to everyone of them if you're like me and have heard it all. after a while folks, that "shock" factor just wears off , and you start to shrug your shoulders and wonder why you're hanging out with a bunch of people that are as bored and hopeless about things as yourself. and sometimes you might try and have normal fun. and, it never seems the same does it? i'd say that's a real shame.. because , face it, the real you , never had a drug or party or fuck to influence them. the real you is who you were before you got wrapped up in all the fucked up shit that you now call your life. that kid inside of everyone that hates being stifled. and yes, you're all snuffing your own child inside of you out each time you get fucked up . because you're becomming JUST LIKE THEM before you . don't you see that ? stand up for yourself, you'll never be able to do that when you're so down that you can't even keep your eyes open wide enough to look at the person 3 feet away from you.

let alone yourself.

i'm going to sleep. too much on the mind as usual . i'm not angry with any of you friends necessarily . mostly i'm angry at myself for letting everything go so far, after i'd been clean and i knew all this shit to begin with when i got back into doing drugs. what a dumb choice.. but it was my choice. and i have got so many beautiful lessons in life and a few awesome awesome friends from it. now we just need to make something of these lessons and make something of our lives. enough of the bullshit. enough wasting time. and enough holding ourselves back. fuck a WHOLE bunch of that. cuz everyone knows , that's how you really get stuck in valpo for the rest of your life.
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using the same methods for every situation expecting varied results = insanity [Apr. 27th, 2006|07:32 am]
Fred B.
[Current Location |in my head.]
[mood |bouncytired, only 24 hours to go.]
[music |Tool - Rosetta Stoned]

you know what i think? i think you ppl should stop taking out your anger with me
on mia. come on now, i know it's not her that you want to cause more stress. why don't
you GROW A PAIR AND SPEAK THE FUCK UP?! because you know that's not the person i am . if any of you really knew me,
then you would know that i'm the biggest pacifist you've ever met. you'd know that , yes, i have a knife and an evil looking
demon on my arms , but you'd also be wise enough to understand that 2 + 2 always makes a 5 . meaning, for you dumbasses, that things aren't what they seem a lot of the time, that you only learn what ppl instill into you unless you question it, what you CHOSE to internalize, and what you chose to believe. i've hit one kid in my whole life , minus football, and that was adam zuliger for bossing around some 5th graders when we were in like 7th grade. and i felt HORRIBLE even after punching that kid in the face. come the FUCK on. you think i'm gonna be a drunk asshole and beat on mia our whole life? HELLLLLL FUCKING NO. you think , as a friend to both of us or maybe just one of us, that Mia is dumb enough to fall into that ? another HELLLLLL FUCKING NO. stop acting like we're so dumb everyone. we've both quit doing drugs, we're both moving on and growing up and past all that shit together, growing stronger together, and for the first time in years , actually finding out who we truly are.

let me explain something really quick to all of you out there. i got fucked up for years , YEARS, and all the while,
i knew that i was hurting MYSELF. and i grew to be alright with that [kinda sick huh? but hey , all of you have too]
but as SOON as I came to that point and i hurt mia. I knew the next morning that it was time to stop . waking up and
picking up the pieces of a 10 minute event that you don't even remember , hoping that no one seriously got hurt, walking around
the apartment cleaning up , crying, with my dog walking at my feet. it's like every horror story you read in books. and it will
forever be engraved into me. i know that , and i've grown to accept it. You guys think what? that i should suffer and die for
all eternity , i should kick myself in my ass for my whole life over this? no , wrong fucking answer assholes. i've learned/relearned so much about myself in the past two / 3 weeks that it's unbelievable. i've come to the realization that all that shit has been holding us both back from loving each other to the fullest

(1) , we were just blind and weak for a long time together
(2) , getting fucked up has held us both back from being who we really are . when i'm not fucked up all the time and i can think rational thoughts [ now that's something you guys only come across maybe once or twice a day , god forbid you remember them ] i am in control of who i am and what goes on around me. I know who i am and what i want in life.when fucked up it's exactly the opposite , i'm chosing to blind myself and thus i don't know what's going on around me or inside of me and as a result the way i act is dependent on who i surround myself with and whatevery drug i'm on. it's hard to distinguish between what''s really right and wrong , and damned near impossible to actually speak up for something I THINK you believe in  , & why i believe it hell if i can remember, hahahahahahahaha (sarcastic laugh , that most ppl getting fucked up think is funny and cool). how poor . and that's how most friendships or conversations spark between people . what a lame grounds for a friendship, unless you really try to figure out what's really going on between the two of you and are actually taking action to solve the problems instead of continually making the same mistakes over and over again.
(3) , (almost) everything and everyone (minus a few that urged me to realize how LAME it all is)I involved myself with for the past 5 or so years has been fake or at least severely skewed
(4) , most people lose a lot of their friends as they grow older because everyone gets caniving and tries to mingle with each other's bullshit a LITTLE bit too much (to say the least) . the only friends you keep are the ones that are understanding of you and that you feel safe talking to about WHAT YOU FEEL . ppl that you don't feel the need to try and appease their opinions because you know they'll always be there. ppl that don't stifle you and are mature enough to figure out what's going on and the best way to go about doing it.
(5), people only get fucked up because there's something about themselves that they really don't like , are insecure about, or have some unmet needs that they're not adressing [acceptance avoidance and anxiety people, you all know this] , everyone knows deep down inside what they really need to do in order to be happy, so just fucking do it already and stop wasting your own time by lying to yourself and everyone else,it's all about choice people

i'll skip about 500 more to spare you the time and cut to the most important one..

i am willing to sacrifice all of you and everything i've known for the love that mia and i have for each other. that's something you guys can NOT take away no matter how much you bitch or moan . so you might as well try and help , or suggest things to help, instead of trying to tear our lives down; because, YES, we hear you loud and clearly and we both love our friends no matter how fucked up they may be , but , NO, you will not change the decision that we've made. so if you're really worried about losing your friend or whatever the fuck your insecurity may very well be with yourself or any of this situation then you would try and help , telling ppl that they're stupid for loving is like telling a baby not to cry . pointless. DUH , end of story. (final CRUCIAL point)

alright, you guys have got me riled up enough for one midnight shift, i'm gonna go to sleep now, and when i wake up there had better be some angry comments or something from you guys that think you can play this situation on one end of the spectrum . cuz you fucking can't . stop being so god damned ignorant . your opinions may be very valuable and i don't want to stop anyone from expressing their opinion, i know that a lot of you wanna kill me right now , you don't think i didn't wanna kill me ? so go ahead, unleash the worst that you've got. because i'm strong enough to take it. punk ass bitches.

ps , yes, a very unloading entry , but i do feel great this morning. it looks like it's going to be a beautiful day outside. i've really been enjoying finding out who my true friends are, and the challenges that have been presented to myself both in reality and in my head for the past month. i've been enjoying finding out more of who you really are, finding out more of who i really am, realizing the negative shit that i never wanted to before, learning from it, sharing it with you my love, and GROWING THE FUCK UP . I SUGGEST THE REST OF YOU DO TOO .

a few coincidental events from lately....... the new Tool album , is amazing . I love how Maynard finally comes out and boldly states
in most of the songs that he doesn't agree with all the bullshit and drama that has to do with getting fucked up . He lays it down about how fucked up everyone really gets and how blind everyone is when they're like that, "Foot in mouth and head up asshole What ya talkin' 'bout? Difficult to dance 'round this one 'til you pull it out, boy You must have been so high You must have been so high" I've been waiting for this album for 4 fucking years, and right when it comes out . I have to admit i cried my eyes out from start to finish the first time i heard 10,000 days. so all you people that think that tool is all about getting fucked up and whatnot, time to finally wake up and realize they're about , questioning all that is around you and using your mind to solve all the puzzles and complexities of the world. not about getting fucked up . although those two things are easy to confuse and very similar. they're completely at opposite ends of the spectrum called life.

another coincidental thing, i got a fortune cookie yesterday that read " you are making sincere yet major changes in your life right now . " holy effin jesus christ on a bicycle . fortune cookies are never really "on" with me, never have been . but that was like a punch in the face. i feel like the whole world around me can see the changes and the effort that i'm putting forth . and it's trying to tell me to keep on going , to keep being strong , and not give up because of what some people are saying.

"All righty then. Picture this if you will.
Grabbed at 2am and actually eating a, you know a box of crispy cremes,
I might need as I approach area 51 contemplating the hoax
Of people thinking we just took a flaming
Stale banana-split-the-skylight
Well one opened up we'd expect to see in A place like this
Code red I'll put us in a diamond setting
Right on my Birkenstocks in the open
Holy fucking shit
Fucking shit
Holy fucking shit
Hly fucking shit
Holy fucking shit...fucking shit...fucking shit

Let the X-file be entered
As some kind of blue creature
I hate it when it stows a meteor in my bathroom
If you look at your appearance for a moment you can see
Another banana bourbon enema
Someone hovered above my buckeyes
My daily chore
Maybe I'll run over the upper lid but all I could think was
Careful to mark your girlfriends 17 fucking cats

The sewer line is waiting
Like an apparition he had me crying out

Fuck me
A dead head chemistry
Bladder problems wont stifle me
If I can't make it
People who are watching see

and after calming me down with some orange slices and some needle spooning
He revealed to me a
singular purpose, he said you are the chosen one.
The one who will deliver the message.
A message of hope for those who choose to hear it
and a warning for those who do not
me, the chosen one,
they chose me,
and I didn't graduate from fucking high school

you better
you better
you better
you beter listen

He looked right through me
with somniferous almond eyes
don't even know what that means
must remember to write it down,
this is so real,
like the time he floated away
see my heart is pounding
cause this shit never happens to me
can't breathe, right now, it was so real
Like I woke up in Wonderland
also a bit terifying
I don't want to be alone when I tell this story
and can anyone tell me why? all the sudden my peanuts dance?
will I ever be coming down?
this is so real, finally it's my lucky day
see my heart is racing
cause this shit never happens to me
can't breathe right now
you believe me don't you, please believe what I just said
see they're telling true
and this wasn't all in my head
see they took me by the hand and invited me right in
then they showed me something
I don't even know where to begin
Strapped down to my bed, feet cold and eyes red, I'm out of my head, am I alive am I dead, can't remember what they said god damn shit the bed
High eye (repeated)

Overwhelmed as one would be, placed in my position
such a heavy burden now to be the one
born to bear and read to all
the details of our ending
to write it down for all the world to see
But I forgot my pen, shit the bed again typical
strapped down to my bed, feet cold and eyes red I'm out of my head am I alive am I dead,
sunkist and sudafed, gyroscopes, and infra red, won't help, brain dead, can't remember what they said
god damn shit the bed
IIIIIII can't remember what they said to me
Can't remember what they said to me
made out to be
a hero
Can't remember what they said

oh no, help now
God damn shit the bed"
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honey you are my shining star [Apr. 26th, 2006|07:45 am]
Fred B.
[Current Location |valpooooo on in the a.m. of a weds.]
[mood |indifferenttired as hell, but very loved]
[music |shining star]

i cut the shit out of my finger at work last night. [ow] it was a pretty clean cut, but those are the ones that bleed the most ay?
so , i macgyver-ed myself a paper towel/packing tape band aid really quick and continued to work. this shit should heal in a few days.

so.. i miss you mia mya! i hope your studies are feeling promising . i'm sure your head is retaining that info and it probably feels like it's about to explode with all of it. but i know you'll do well on your finals , just don't be laze and push yourself to study . but pace yourself dear, i wouldn't want you to go gray at 20 over some finals.

i'm reading Five People You Meet In Heaven right now. well i started it at 8 last night and i'm already half way done. but still , it's a good book. if you have a few hours to spare i'd give it a read. This book reminds me a lot of an acid trip i had a few months ago . but that's not saying much , because an acid trip can go anywhere, and so can an author's words. hmm well my mind is exhausted from thinking/working all night. mostly thinking. my work is pretty mindless to say the least. meh , i'm going to sleep.

vhs art show tonight. haha, oh yah! [livin in valpo is AWESOME. haha, no.. it's not so bad , just gotta be a cheeser and find the best in every situation you have. i actually love it, it's a challenge and a half. and i think i'm doing pretty good : ) ]

one other thing. i haven't smoked pot in 2 weeks! what?! the comparison is astounding. i'm gonna keep the head clear from now on.

Don't you go away, oh baby
I wanna be right here where you are
Till my dying day, oh baby

So many have tried, tried to find
A love like yours and mine, oh baby
Don't you realise how you hypnotise me
Make me love you more each time, oh baby

Honey, I'll never leave you lonely
I'll give my love to you only, to you only
To you only
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(no subject) [Apr. 24th, 2006|10:37 pm]
Fred B.
[mood |chipperwiredddd .]
[music |radiohead]

it was good to hear you
and to hold a conversation.. i've been afraid of using the phone for a long time
because i've known that my mind has been too fogged to hold any kind of interesting conversation
it was good : )
i'm glad you're really focused down there and kicking everything in the ass.
up here.. i'm about to go for midnights round two . this job is lame , but it's money
and this money means pearl jam on may 17th so i'll bite my lip

today i made some dank ass cookies that complement my coffee quite beautifully, as well as
some home made italian lemon sherbert. and hell yah, it's dank.

since i've quit smoking budd and getting fucked up, everyday it seems as if a veil gets lifted higher off my
eyes and brain. i'm really starting to feel awesome about myself again and life . i actually get excited about things
and.. i dunno , it's just completely different. this is a huge topic that i should post about later when i have more time.
as for now, i'm gonna slam a pot of coffee and get wired for my boring ass job .
tomorrow.. i'm gonna paint for a while, but if it's sunny i wanna go do something. even if it's not sunny,
i want to get out and do something , even if it's only for like.. a half an hour?
and no, broadway cafe, nor steak & shake equal something. sorry .
gotta be more creative than that people.. break free of your god damn purgatory .
that place eats souls.

well i'm off. :)
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i said: "kiss me, you're beautiful " [Apr. 24th, 2006|07:34 am]
Fred B.
[Current Location |nodding the fuck out]
[mood |depressednautious from plastic stenches]
[music |these are truly the last days]

first night of midnights..
YUCK , it was bunk. i feel like a zombie. the job is very simple
just stand there and listen to music , even sit sometimes, and put things in boxes that come out of machines.
man , i need to call that landscaping lady stat. cuz this shit is bogus haha. i'm gonna go through the week
at this job . make some mun. maybe go another week after this. then i'm done. post mortum decay is the best way to describe how this job makes you feel at the end of the shift.this shit is no
kind of fun. i'd rather work at pestos for 50 cents less an hour.
[alright, enough complaining]

sleep is going to be amazing.. and so is this weekend. i had lots of fun over the past few days.
lots of fun.
i feel great minus the zombie appearance of working all night
i think, i'm gonna have some foods and a glass of oj , and i'm hittin the hay.

hmm what can we do in northwest indiana next weekend ? i'm sure i'll figure that out.
i've got nothing but time at night to think .
won't let you down with some boring ass shit. ; )

wellll i love you much hope the drive wasn't too bad, prob slept i'm assuming?,
thank you [times a million].
i'm out for the count.
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did this really happen? [Apr. 23rd, 2006|10:10 am]
Fred B.
[Current Location |cloud 9]
[mood |giddymy mind is blown.]
[music |string cheese]

what an amazing weekend.
thank you and keep up the good work
it's a long hard road, but you seem to have it man .
i don't think i've been this happy since i was a kid
can't even start to say , how amazing it all felt
and how much healthier we must've looked.
everything seemed so surreal yet so right.
i love it.
thank you :)
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new tool. may 2nd, but i've already got it [Apr. 21st, 2006|03:54 pm]
Fred B.
[mood |amusedeuphoric to say the least]
[music |tool - 10000 days ( fucking oh my god )]

listen to the tales and romanticize
how we follow the path of the hero

and boast about the day when the rivers overrun
how we rise to the height of our halo

listen to the tales as we irrationalize
Our way into the arms of the savior
failing all the trials and the tribulations

none of us have actually been there
not like you

the ignorant fit within the congregation
gather around spewing sympathy
spare me

none of them could even hold a candle up to you
blinded by choices hypocrites
wont see

but nothing but the collective juries
who could deny you were the one who illuminated
your little piece of the divine

this little light of mine
the gift you passed on to me
i'm gonna let it shine to guide you safely on your way

your way home

what are they going to do when the light goes down
without you you to guide them all to zion?
what are they gonna do when the rivers overrun
other than tremble incessantly ?

high is the way
but our eyes are upon the ground
you were the light and the way
they'll only read about
I only pray heaven knows
when to lift you out

10000 days in the fire is long enough
you're going home

you're the only one who can hold your head up high
shake your fist at the gates sayin'
"i have come home now fetch me the spirit, the son and the father,
tell them their pillar of faith has ascended

"its time now, my time now, give me my, give me my wings!"

"give me my, give me my, give me my, give me my, give me my wings...."

you are the light, the way, that they will only read about

set as i am in my ways and my arrogance
burning [?] upon the believers
you were my witness, my eyes, my evidence
judith marie, unconditional one

daylight dims leaving cool flourescence
difficult to see you in this light
please forgive this bold suggestion
should you see your maker's face tonight
look him in the eye
look him in the eye and tell him
never lived a lie, never took a life
would surely save one
and in the hour [?]
its time for you to bring me home
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(no subject) [Apr. 20th, 2006|07:14 pm]
Fred B.
[mood |depresseddepressed]
[music |jerry]

hmm so , is there anymore drama that can be thrown my way ? .. man . it's either yay or nay . don't crush me please . i'll leave you alone if that's what you want. but please, my mother doesn't need the phone calls while we're eating dinner  and .. yah. it's nice to know how you're feeling. but what action are you  trying to take with that? if you love me , then you fight to keep that love and to work things out. if you don't want to love me anymore, then leave me be. i've made it clear, that i still love you very much . and that i'm moving forward with my life, including losing all the lame ppl as friends . iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii was confused i suppose at what you were trying to get at . i feel like, you're afraid of a lot more than just me here.. and you're not communicating that through the proper channels. be strong, stand up , and say what you want to say for yourself. you're right, you SHOULDNT be a small and reluctant person. the only way things would ever get fixed is if myself and you went through them all and fixed them . we have to go to those places that hurt and are bunk. they're always gonna hurt unless something is done to bring closure to them.  and hey, i've got nothing but time when i'm not working to sit down on the internet and go through them with you . i'd love that . if you don't feel you're strong enough for that yet, then cool . i don't want you to think i have all the time in the world to wait, but i've got time for you whenever you're ready for that . just tell ME what you want. be adult about it, please don't have your mom calling my mother to tell her. you're big, and you are strong, i've seen it in you, let that person come out and shine . because i know it's who you really want to be. i'm sorry for any inconvenience that i may have caused you in the past day or so . i know this is all very very hard and it's definately adult stuff. but we are adults now, and i think we can deal with this like adults. i'm not sure whether, you want me to try and go to those hard places with you right now.. to try and get them dealt with before they're jammed back on a shelf and get buried and we don't wanna deal with them anymore.. while it's all still fresh to get the pain over with . or whether you need time because you still need to figure out what's going on . let me know. ? that's entirely up to you as well. i think i've said all that i can about this right now. luck has nothing to do with any of this, it's all choice.

I've seen the rain pouring down The sky was grey with a speck of blue
Peek through a hole in the clouds The sun was screaming, "Hey You!".

As you ramble through your sorrow Seems like everything come out wrong
I'm living in yesterday's tomorrows I know something's helping me along

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I hear you talking about your troubles
Everybody's got their troubles too
You can make them burst like bubbles
If you know just what to do

You know I've been called a dreamer
Dreams that never come true
But I've been called so many things before
Tell you what I'm gonna do

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

I understand why the old fisherman
sail along, sail along, sail along. sail along, sail along,
someday he'll be gone

I'll take a melody and see what I can do about it.
I'll take a simple C and G and feel brand now about it.

Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
Shine on, keep on shining, shine on,
keep on shining, shine on, keep on shining,
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makin.. love in the afternoon [Apr. 20th, 2006|01:43 pm]
Fred B.
[mood |aggravatedtrying to be empathetic.but no]
[music |jerry garcia band]

as you all know, it's 4twenty. and this ole' boy's sitting this one out.
and for good reason. what's so special about 4twenty anyways? it's when everyone who's even ever heard about budd is lookin to spirk down. and normally, don't stoners hate that shit? what a hypocritical day. and where did the term, 420 even come from? there's a question for all you "big time" stoners out there. and no, it wasn't a police code, you wanna know what i think? i think it's something that people have been using as a reference to budd for so long, that all the potheads don't even know what it represents. they simply forgot. (isn't that symbolic of the lifestyle) .. so everyone have fun spirkin down .. not like it's any different from any other day for your average stoner anyways. god, how fucking lame . and to think, i thought this shit was cool at one point. just another excuse to get fucked up . yah, EXCUSE.

pshhh . i'm gonna enjoy my 420 over a cigar the thought that i'm grown up enough to not be sucked in by that lame shit anymore. comeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee on. man.

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now that you're gone.... i can't get high. (nope) [Apr. 19th, 2006|11:13 pm]
Fred B.
[mood |fullgood yet lonelilly]
[music |Widespread Panic]

coffee geeeek'd . is how i roll.
who needs cocaine when there's strong ass coffee to be drank?
not me.

it's a gorgeous hoody night out.. i think i might go for a bike ride around the whole of valpo
and listen to some tunes while doing so .
have an inspiring thought session and hopefully wear myself out a bit.
today has been better than most days so far.. i still feel lonelilly as fuck
and i still miss the hell out of the girl who's 3 hundred miles away .
god it seems so much farther away than that.

hmm i've been thinking.. and i don't care what anyone thinks anymore.
i dunno why i started letting people influencing my choices again .
that was stupid . getting fucked up brings my guard down i suppose.
it's 45 minutes til the stroke of April 2oth . and i'm thinking that i'm not gonna smoke today.
it takes a bigger man to not smoke on four twenty than to just give in and do what everyone else is doing
real stoners miss it all time anyways , right?

i was flipping through this book today in barnes and noble about sex . and some middle aged momma came by
and said something all daring like to me. that's when i promptly shut my book, walked out of the store, and cut myself a cigar for the walk home. haha . i can't be havin no affairs with some milf. i've had a few chances to get with a milf.. and its just not my thing.
i like sex with ppl that i love . and .. that's why i've only had it with two people in my entire life. god that feels good . to know that i haven't been around. and to not have to explain to the girl that i do love about all the ppl i've slept with . that's one thing i've got in my corner for sure. sex makes you feel like SHIT if you're not in love with the person .

hm. so i think i might actually sleep in my own bed tonight. i haven't been comfortable with being downstairs all alone during the night time. in fact.. i hate it. it's so empty that eerything i do echoes. and there's no echoes of you to mingle with mine.
i'd hhave to say that the recent turn of events has opened my eyes . i feel like i was wasting so much time getting fucked up now. i know that it gets me no where. and i know that it's not even fun anymore. it's just something to do . that's nothing. makes yah feel like sheeeeeit. i don't walk around like a zombie anymore.. but instead i have this funky ass bounce to my step .. sometimes i'll even throw in a little heel spin if i have an epiphany or feel the urge. haha , yah i'm a loser, eat it. i've decided to see how long i can go without swearing. i think this is gonna take some major creativity and self control for sure. it'll be a horizon broadening experience. nothing like steppin outside of the old comfort zone for yah. i love to amuse myself and challenge myself . god damn it feels good to be clean . now i'm missin just oneeeeeee thing. but in time . it just might come back to me ;0) yah buddy .
i'm really starting to regain this sense of self and .. i love it . i can't even try to explain how much better it feels. clarity is a beautiful thing. now i just gotta stay this way . it's not so bad.

my new painting is coming along.. i just about have the drawing portion done. it's a human figure painting.. soooo that's something new for me. i'm excited to see how it turns out. this is definately a big challenge. god forbid i give up and not finish or something lame like that . because the subject matter is just AMAAAAZING . and no , i'm not gonna tell you what it is until it's done. or you come to see it . there's a hole in the canvas.. but i dont think it's gonna pose any real problems. i might just us some tape on the back to hold that together. it's such a small hole .. that you won't even notice it when i'm done with painting. not worth getting upset over and wasting a perfectly awesome piece of canvas .

right now in life.. i've decided that it's time to see who my real friends are. and to really test that to make sure. so that when issues come up . there's not a bunch of drama . and surroundign myself with the right ppl will make myelf burst and bloom to the fullest . i don't need bullshit ppl to hold me back anymore. i've spent enough time on those ppl and they've got me no where but bored to death. bull honky and gossip and gossip and bull____ , that's all they seem to do .

on another note, i'm done going by bof. i have disliked it for quite some time now , and i'm finally gonna say no more. my name, is Fred. if you didn't know that , now you do . use it . bof is dead and gone. i feel that.. "bof" was the person that i've decided to leave behind in the past week . so let that name die . i love my real name anyways, Fred is so much more unique than bof.

wellllll alrigh t. i'm gonna go finish this coffee. and then i'm gonna go on a fatty bike ride .
and oh yah ( i miss you more! )
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